Don’t Lick Your Brother and Other Things I Never Thought I’d Say

Tonight I hid in a corner laughing hysterically while my husband lectured the kids on why they can’t wrestle naked. As he sternly told them that “penises are private and we dont put our balls on furniture or near other people”, I sat in the corner pulling the drawstrings of my hoodie tight to cover my giant smile.
When I was younger, I always imagined I’d have kids. I thought it would be like Full House or the Cosby Show (minus the dancing on the stairs). I always figured I’d be more of a ‘Peg Bundy’ then a ‘June Clever’ kind of mom. I never thought that I’d be judging my days based on how gross my kids were.
Each night I write down the most bizarre and gross things I catch myself saying to my kids. I’ve compiled the best of them in the list below.

1. Don’t wipe your boogers on the wall.
2. Did you wipe? Did you flush?
3. Stop giving purple nurples.
4. Put your pants on, you are getting your butt on the pillows.
5. We don’t pee in trashcans.
6. Don’t lick the: window/table/your brother/
the plate.
7. No, you can’t eat Ranch Dressing for dinner.
8. Please stop sword fighting with spaghetti.
9. Is that SNOT on the couch?
10. I’m not trying to murder you. I’m clipping your nails.
11. Please don’t call a Rooster a Cock.
12. Are you measuring each others butt cracks?
13. I cannot help you with your homework while I’m on the toilet.
14. Bras are for girls only. Take that off your head.
15. Did you just fart in the clean laundry basket?
16. Was that a police siren? The neighbors must have called 911 because they heard you tantruming.
17. Looking like Doc Brown isn’t a good thing.
18. Why would you punch Daddy in the balls?
19. Please soap your body and not the shower door.
20. Don’t tell Santa you are Jewish, you will make him uncomfortable.
21. Your shirt is not a napkin.
21a. I don’t have a napkin, use your shirt.
22. No naked wrestling!
23. Its just a fly/ant/frog/5 pound dog. What are you so afraid of?
24. If you cry so hard that you make yourself throw up, I’m going to be very angry.
25. Its not nice to tell your mom she needs botox.
26. No, Johnny Depp is not your surprise.
27. Please don’t pee in the same toilet at the same time.
28. Seriously, I shouldn’t have to say it every night! No naked wrestling!

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