Sometimes I think about the days my kids were and innocent and sweet. The days before they could talk. The days that I didn’t have to work so damn hard to make them love me. It was just a few years ago, that they thought I was the most perfect woman in the world. Now, I’m that embarrassing, annoying lady who cooks them mediocre meals.
The thing is, when a 2 year old throws a fit, its kind of adorable, but when an 8 year old screams and cries because he has too much homework, its straight up annoying. It takes everything in me when they are upset to either not laugh maniacally , or freakout or a combo of the two.
My 8 yo has recently become verbally abusive when he is sad. The other day he accidentally deleted a page of book he is writing (uniquely entitled “Harry Potter”). He tried hitting ‘control Z’ but it was gone. He screamed. He waled. He threatened to jump out the window. I tried to comfort him. I told him it happens to everyone. That I am so sorry. I even volunteered to help him rewrite his original masterpiece. “You aren’t making it better!” He screamed. “Do a better job! You are my mom! You need to comfort me!”
Being a girl who doesn’t like to fail, and is highly sensitive to constructive criticism, I tried again. “Authors have to rewrite their stories several times, each time you write, it gets better. Deleting your page was a blessing. Now your book about the ‘Wizard Boy ‘will be even better. ”
“You are a terrible mother. You are making me feel worse! A good mom would fix the problem. She would find a way to get my book back!”
“That is impossible son.”
“You stink! You should take a picture of yourself and write ‘Worst Mom Ever’ on it and post it to the internet for the world to see!”
I was flabbergasted. But the thing is, the kid had a point. All of the things I’ve done wrong over the last 8 years flashed before me and I realized, that maybe I really am the Worst Mom Ever.
1. I Lie
From the tooth fairy, to saying shots don’t hurt to pretending play dates are cancelled bc I don’t want to hang out with the moms, I have made up a whole slew of lies to keep my kids happy and behaved.
My kids are petrified of police officers bc they think I will be taken away if they yell and scream in public.
My kids hate getting their nails clipped,but after I told them I majored in Nail Clipping in college they sit perfectly still.
My boys may also may be worried about going to college because that’s where our cat went when we had to put her down. (Totally regret that one, but I have an image to protect, and college seemed much more dignified then the farm.)
2. I Cheat
Nothing is worse then a never ending game of Chutes and Ladders. It seems like every time the game is almost over, everyone keep falling down the giant chute. (Does Milton Bradley care that I have Housewives episodes to finish watching? ). My kids think that if they land on a chute more then once, they don’t have to slide down it. I have also been know not to lay any ships down in battleship and say hit every time. My poor kids think they are Battleship Savants.
My biggest thrill is copying “Good Moms”ideas for school projects off Pinterest. But honestly,they wouldn’t put them up there if they didn’t want me to take their ideas.
3. I Steal
From Halloween Candy to French Fries at a restaurant, I am always stealing food my kids want. I can’t help it. I order a salad, but it always seems so unappetizing when the kids chicken fingers and fries come to the table.
4. I Make Them Pay For Food
With kisses,of course. Whenever my boys want a snack I tell them they have to give me a kiss first. The other day my five year old wanted a Popsicle,I told him to “pay up”. He replied ,”Not worth it”.
5. I Manipulate
I am constantly hyping my kids up to do things I really want to do. I have my one son reading a book series that I needed someone to discuss with me. I also get them in the mood to eat a restaurants I want to try so they will beg my husband until he gives in. I also get them to dress well and style their hair the way I want by telling them how much cooler they will be if they listen to me.
Maybe I am the Worst Mom Ever. If not, maybe I’m close. At least I’m best at something. I hope my kids are at least proud of me for that.