Attention Fifteen Year Old Me

At thirty -four, I have finally become comfortable with myself. Like, a little “too comfortable”. I prefer my own company over and beyond all others. There is nothing I love more when the kids are at school and my husband is at work then hanging out with myself. I don’t have to worry about my sarcastic sense of humor offending anyone. I don’t have to apologize for saying things out loud that should have been kept in, or do anything I don’t truly feel like doing. I may sound arrogant, but I think I’m funny and fun and an all around blast to be around. I only wish I had this confidence when I was fifteen. I was such an insecure bundle of a mess back then. If only I could go back in time and teach myself a thing or two…

Besides telling ‘little me’ to beg my mom to let me get hair style lessons and some growth hormone injections, (It didn’t have boobs and looked like I was 8 until I was 16…imagine the torture I ensued!) I would give myself the following list:

  1. Stop daydreaming about boys. Especially the geeky ones who you like. Boys want girls more then girls want boys. If you just let the guy know you like him, he’ll most likely hook up with you…he’s a horny 15 year old. DUH. Also, don’t let him say he’s just going to “put in the tip”, its a trick.
  2. Girls are bitches, yes you know this, but if you’re gonna talk shit and gossip, say it right to the person’s face. It’s going to get back to her anyway. Anyone who is your friend today, will probably be your enemy tomorrow. (And then your friend again 20 years from now on something called Facebook.)
  3. Don’t ever ever wear a sundress without a pair of shorts underneath. Your backpack will hike it up and show your underwear. No one will tell you until you get home and  they will remember it forever.
  4. Even though you don’t have your period yet, you can use it as an excuse to get out of anything. Just say you got it unexpected, you put your tampon in wrong, or you have such bad cramps you might throw up. (Oh, but always, always carry Tampons.)
  5. Enjoy being grounded or punished. Don’t think of it as the worst thing ever. One day, you will have a loud family and never have time for yourself. Especially time to do ABSOLUTELY nothing. Do you even realize how lucky you are to take no phone calls, take care of nothing and be near a bed? Don’t waste these precious moments sulking!
  6. Don’t stop being a goofball, even when people roll their eyes at you. You are fun and unique. It’s much more cool to be like that then like everyone else. Don’t let others define you. Remember you only live once. And this time of your life, where you don’t have to worry about ‘real stuff’ should be thoroughly enjoyed.
  7. It really wouldn’t be that horrible to participate in gym class. It will be cool one day to exercise. And if you learn how to be strong now it will be much easier later. However, if you do decide to participate, you will need to actually wash your uniform once in a while.
  8. It really doesn’t matter which college you choose. Don’t stress over it, and pick the one that costs less. No one cares where you went to school. (And when you get there, never pay for a drink. A guy will always be willing to get you drunk or high.) And don’t eat late at night. You WILL get fat and it won’t come off until you are 24.
  9. That silly guy in Hebrew School…yeah, him, with the black stone washed jeans? You are going to marry him. Be nice to him. He will remember.

*Bonus 10. Don’t cheat on that Chemistry final…everyone gets caught. Don’t tell anyone and look like the best student ever.

I think these tips would get me a much better start then what I had, and a way better sense of self. Damn, I need to invent a time machine.

9 thoughts on “Attention Fifteen Year Old Me

  1. This is very clever idea for a post. You know some of us are going to steal it, right? Tell your fifteen year old self to watch out for people like some of us.
    And just so you know, that is not a bad picture of an insecure bundle of a mess.

  2. I am loving all of your stories AND I completely forgot about that chemistry final. Aah the memories. Just have to add one of the funniest memories I have of us is your imitation of Dutch on the curb acting” mentally challenged”( to be pc). I always chuckle when I think about it!! BTW… Great advice to all 15 yr olds. If only they weren’t too cool to listen!:)

    • I have to watch DUTCH again. I do remember doing that …but don’t remember what I said. I still sing that song “I’m an A-hole” that we loved. Melissa, our funniest memory was breaking the glass in your garbage disposal and your dad cutting his hand on it. they we sang “walking on broken glass”.

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