Potty training is gross. It is the sole reason I am not having a third child. I hate it. It is dirty, frustrating and downright degrading to both the child and parent. No matter what method you use it takes forever and I do not have the patience or good will to cheer my child on to consistently urinate in the bowl instead of on my hardwood floors.
The time has come though, and I decided that this was the week I was going to teach my little one to go “pee pee on the potty”. I braced my self with stickers M&M’s, books and other exciting potty prizes. I bought at least three dozen pairs of character underpants. I put a child’s potty on each floor of my house and a child size potty lid on each toilet cover. It still was not enough.
Day One (through Three): My child insisted that he was not going to ever pee on the potty. I put him in Spiderman underwear and he peed in them immediately. The urine started to saturate my wood floors and I started to worry that my house would get that “cat piss” stench. I gave up quickly put him in a diaper and signed him up for “potty boot” camp. The camp consists of dropping my child off for two eight hour days and he will come home trained. It’s guaranteed: Two hundred bucks. Much cheaper then new floors. So off he went.
The kid came home in underwear; bragging that he had no accidents and even that he took a nap, (which he hasn’t done since he was 15 months old). He got a certificate saying he was officially “potty trained” and we were set to go on with his big boy life.
Not so. I still had my mom work cut out for me.
Day Four: The child understood that he was supposed to keep his underpants dry. He understood that a little too well. He didn’t pee all day. Not a drip. I put him on the potty every 40 minutes where he refused to pee. We yelled, “Pee Pee come out!” Nothing. We read books and watched YouTube videos about going to the bathroom. Nothing. We colored…yes we colored and ate lunch on the potty. I never spend so much time in the potty. We even Skyped my mother. I thought if I could just keep him on the toilet long enough something would come out. I was wrong. I thought for sure when I took him off the toilet he would pee on the floor. Again, I was wrong.
I made a frantic call to the doctor. “My child isn’t urinating. It’s only been half a day, but I’m pretty sure he not going to be going any time soon. Should we come in?” They told me he was “just being very controlling” (no kidding”) and this should subside within a week. Great, I’m raising the next dictator; he’s practicing by controlling his bladder to extremes. I couldn’t take it anymore. At 7:30 I put him in a Pull-up and stuck him in bed. He looked at me and smiled and the blue pee indicators on the diaper disappeared.
Day Five: My weapon of choice: juice. I thought I’d make him have to pee so bad he’d have to let it out. I decided that we wouldn’t do much potty talk on this day. We’d just put on the underwear and go about our day…on my hardwood floors. (I took extra Prozac to stay calm.) Sure enough, after three sippy cups of juice, he started grabbing his little pecker. I said, “Do you have to go potty?” He said, “Yes, lets go.” A miracle. We ran to the bathroom. I threw him up on the potty and then we sat there for 40 minutes and waited for the pee to come. He demanded that I read him stories and sing him songs. Still nothing. Then he got up, walked four steps and dripped. I swooped him up threw him on the potty and watched (literally watched it come out) him release his urine drop by drop for no shorter then 5 minutes.
Did this deserve a potty prize? I mean he did get some on my floor? And I’m pretty sure the boot camp people wanted it to come out in a stream. I gave him his well earned M&M anyway. I had five, because after all, I had a lot of clean up to do.
I can’t wait until this is over so I can stop thinking and dreaming and obsessing about bodily functions. I remember the days I was proud of winning some award for being a great teacher, or getting an article written about me in the newspaper about my webcast. Now I am proud of myself for getting someone to pee, where they are supposed to. (And they splashed half of it on the seat.)
I’m so thankful this week is over. Although, he hasn’t pooped on the toilet yet…I don’t think I am emotionally stable enough to go through that training.